


Do You Really Want To Know?

by DedicatedDetectives



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: I'm not sure this deserves a mature rating, M/M, and also I can never be too careful, but there's some language and some steamy suggestions I suppose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 22:12:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14411610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DedicatedDetectives/pseuds/DedicatedDetectives
Summary: This time, Sonny's distracted.





	Do You Really Want To Know?

**Author's Note:**

> These guys don't always know how to handle their feelings properly, but they're bound to figure it out eventually, right? (What do you mean Rafael Barba left the show? I don't recall).
> 
> I was trying to sleep last night before an early morning at work, but this thought wouldn't stop bouncing around my head. Eventually, I gave in and wrote it down. Who needs sleep when you can write fanfic instead? Please allow for some poetic licensing. 
> 
> Contains some mature (?) content, such as suggested sexual concepts and (hardly) mature language. 
> 
> I do not own these characters; they belong to the lovely SVU writers.
> 
> Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoy!

It hadn't happened suddenly: it was a gradual development. One that he could ignore at first, and then disregard, and then deny. Until he couldn't anymore. 

Sonny's attraction to Barba was something that was almost immediate. It started out with Sonny being taken aback by Barba's looks, but then it began growing into actual feelings. It took him a while to admit it to himself, but Sonny had a crush. He had a crush on the man that he was trying to build a friendship with and was trying to shadow for professional reasons. It made things more difficult, which to Sonny, felt like the understatement of the century. 

Throughout Sonny's realization of his feelings, he had thought about kissing Barba from time to time. It hadn't come out of no where. It was a gradual development that started as a fleeting thought here and there and grew into what had become a seemingly merciless distraction. 

Sonny was constantly thinking about kissing Barba. It was embarrassing, honestly, how constant the thoughts were. 

When Barba entered the squad room, Sonny's eyes immediately fell on his lips. When they talked, he had to drag his eyes up to meet Barba's gaze. When they talked in Olivia's office, Sonny almost didn't want to look at Barba for fear that people would notice his gaze falling too low. He thought about kissing him to say hello; he thought about kissing him to say goodbye. He thought about what it would be like to come home and be able to kiss him there. And then there was the time when Sonny was explaining his thoughts on a case to the squad, and even though everyone's eyes were on him, one glance at Barba's lips made Sonny want to walk over to where Barba was sitting and straddle his lap. When they were in court, Sonny thought about being able to sweep Barba up in a celebratory kiss. He thought about making out in the back of a bar after the rest of the squad left following a good case, while Rafael pretended to worry that someone would see as Sonny got increasingly more worked up. He thought about comforting Barba with a kiss when things didn't go their way in court, because dammit, Barba always did well and gave it his all no matter the outcome. And sometimes while he sat in court, Sonny thought about what it would feel like to watch everyone file out of the courtroom and then have Barba pushed up against the witness stand with his mouth on his. 

The worst, though, was when they were alone. When they were in Barba's office talking about a case, leaning toward each other over the desk, it would be so easy to run his hands through Barba's hair and close the space between them. When they were getting drinks just them, it would be so easy to rest his hand on Barba's thigh and blame the fact that he leaned in on the alcohol. When they were walking away from the courthouse and Barba bought them both coffee, it would be so easy to reach over to Barba's hand, stop him in his tracks, and kiss him to say thank you-- for the coffee, and for just being him. 

Sonny was trapped in a mindset that would not relent. His heart seemed like it would beat out of his chest without warning, just because Barba smiled at him or brushed against him as they walked _and it would be so easy to kiss him in that moment_. He had to duck his head each time Barba walked in the room, afraid that Amanda or Fin would see him blushing. He felt more like the high school version of himself than his actual self. No matter the time of day, he couldn't escape his thoughts. He was halfway to accepting that this was his fate-- to forever pine over Rafael Barba's lips from afar. 

That is, until one night he rejected that thought. Sonny woke up with a gasp, jumping upright in bed. He had dreamed that he had finally thought the moment was right and leaned in to kiss Barba. He felt his heart sing until Barba pulled away and gave him a confused look. "Carisi, you know I don't feel that way about you, right?" Sonny began stuttering out incomprehensible apologies until he woke up. And then Sonny spent the rest of the night unable to fall back asleep. And that, well, that was the last straw for Sonny. 

He couldn't handle this anymore. It honestly had to be unhealthy for him-- to be waiting on someone who never gave him the time of day and wouldn't even call him by his first name. He had to stop this. He had to stop his thoughts. 

His plan was to avoid Barba. He stopped visiting his office and stopped hanging around after court. He quickly exited every space that Barba was in as soon as the opportunity arose. He made sure to look especially busy each time Barba entered the squad room, and he only acknowledged him enough to give a simple "hi" and not look up from his computer screen whenever Barba tried to engage him. 

And, to Sonny's surprise, Barba actually began to notice the shift. He worked harder to start conversations with Sonny, which Sonny would always shut down. He specifically asked for Sonny's opinions while in group meetings with the squad. Sonny never looked at Barba when he answered, eyes always focused on Olivia. He asked Sonny if he wanted to get coffee with him, which actually made Rafael bristle with discomfort when he realized how much that sounded like a date. But he didn't need to worry for long, because Sonny declined. He even decided to ask Sonny for help with a case, just to get him in his office and talking. But Sonny apologized and said he was too busy. 

A few weeks later, though, Sonny had to go to Barba's office, upon Olivia's request. She needed some documents delivered to Barba and some legalities discussed. And she made it clear that she wasn't taking no for an answer. So he went. 

Barba tried to make small talk with Sonny, who was carefully sticking to business discussion only. As the meeting seemed to come to an end, due to Sonny's apparent eagerness to leave, Barba jumped into getting Sonny to stay before he even really thought about what he was saying. 

"Wait, Detective. I don't think we're done here. I could really use your help."

"I'm sorry, Counselor, but I really need to get back to the squad room." Sonny responded immediately.

But Barba didn't intend to just let him leave. "Why?"

"Because I have a lot of paperwork to do." Sonny began to move towards the door. 

Barba rolled his eyes. "No you don't."

That caught sonny's attention. "'Scuse me?"

"You don't have a lot of paperwork."

"You know, you're not the only one working on this case, Counselor. I have things to do as well," Sonny said. He sounded annoyed. And maybe he actually was. 

"Fine. If you want to go sit at your desk and pretend that you're busy, don't let me stop you."

"What are you--"

"You've been avoiding me!" Barba sounded a bit more worked up than he intended to. Sonny looked surprised. 

His first thought was to deny. "Barba, what possible reason would I have to avoid you?"

"I've been trying to figure that out myself, actually. If you figure it out, do let me know." Barba looked down. He almost looked sad. 

Sonny huffed, and he actually sounded indignant. "It's not like I can just avoid you. We work together."

Barba's eyes snapped back up. "Well you've been doing a damn good job considering the situation."

Sonny decided to deny again. "Look, I'm not--"

When Barba cut him off, he sounded calm. "You are, but you don't need to tell me why if you don't want to."

Sonny didn't know why Barba's calmness set him off more than his accusations did; but they did, and he snapped. "Okay, yes! I've been avoiding you!" He almost shouted. "And that's what I would be doing right now if you would let me leave this office! Can't you tell that I don't want to be in here?"

Barba looked hurt. "I, um. Yes, I can," he started. "You can leave if you want to, but I would like to know what I did."

"You didn't do anything," Sonny said quietly.

"I must have."

"You didn't."

"Your behavior points to the contrary."

"Yeah, well. You didn't."

"I did." 

Sonny couldn't help that he began to get frustrated. "Why aren't you listening to me?"

"Because you aren't acting like yourself!" Barba began to raise his voice. 

Sonny threw his arms out in disbelief. "Why do you care?"

"Tell me what I did."

"Just stop," Sonny muttered. He couldn't believe this conversation hadn't ended yet. Why didn't he just walk out?

"What? Are you mad at me because I tease you?" Barba asked, tone taunting. Sonny just looked at him. "Are you upset because I didn't fawn over your Fordham law school endeavors?"

"C'mon, Barba," Sonny mumbled back, seemingly done with the topic. But Barba wasn't, and he was clearly trying to get a reaction out of Sonny. 

"Are you mad at me because I didn't immediately act like your best friend? That I don't call you that cutesy nickname? Do you think I'm mean to you?" 

Sonny closed his eyes, a frustrated sigh escaping him. 

When Barba spoke again he was no longer taunting Sonny into responding; instead, his voiced was raised, and he almost sounded desperate. "Did I not do enough for you? I've been trying to let you in, Carisi!" He was practically shouting. "I thought maybe we were getting close! I didn't realize that me giving a damn was one sided!"

"God, Rafael. Just stop," Sonny groaned. He turned to walk towards the door. 

Barba laughed. "And I don't even deserve an explanation. Alright." 

Sonny paused momentarily, hand on the door knob. Then, turning back to face Barba, he made a decision. 

He didn't mean to be yelling, but he was. "Do you want to know why, Barba? Are you sure? I've been avoiding you because I can't handle spending every damn minute of the day thinking about kissing you anymore! I can't spend all of my time and feelings on someone who will never feel the same way about me as I do them! I just can't do it anymore. I don't know what happened; I guess I broke, and I just can't do it anymore. What I need is space, and I'm sure that now that you've forced that out of me, you'll have no problem giving it to me."

When he chanced a look at Barba, he looked stunned. He turned away, hand on the doorknob again. He took a deep, shaky breath. "I'm sorry, Barba. You didn't need to hear that." 

He opened the door to leave but then promptly heard it slam shut as Barba pushed him against it, hands desperately grabbing him and lips pleadingly claiming his. He hadn't even heard Barba stand up. He thought his knees might give out from under him. 

If Sonny's thoughts hadn't disconnected at the contact, he probably would've wanted to cry of relief after all of the buildup. But instead, the only thought he could verbally communicate was a quiet " _Yes,_ Rafael."


End file.
